I am one of those people who cannot cry at will. I can only burp whenever and however loudly I want to at that moment. Great talent, eh? All I've wanted to do is cry for the last few days. I am usually a very private person when it comes to my feelings. I feel so many different emotions at once that they come spilling out in tears. I know I have to be strong for my family - my parents, my sister, my kids, and my dh. My eyes are continually welling up and that makes my nose runny. I feel like a little kid whenever that happens. I am trying so very hard not to cry or break down in class. The problem is that I will forget for a few minutes and life will be like it was before. I will be focusing on what I am doing, maybe even laugh; then it invades my reality. It creeps into my reality at any given moment. I am finding it hard to eat or even sleep. I will finally fall asleep from emotional exhaustion.
My little sister is 8 years younger than I am. I only have one sibling. She and I are the only females in our generation. The cousins are so much younger than I am. They start at eleven years younger and it goes down from there. I have 5 male cousins. No one else in my generation has kids except for me. My sis has been sick for over a month now. It got so severe on Sunday that they took her to the emergency room. She had gone to the doctor before for several ailments. She is living in New York right now. She calls me on Sunday night and tells me that she has stage 4 cervical cancer. It has already spread to other organs. It is so bad that she can't sit up. It did not hit me right away. I am still trying to digest it all. We are not sure yet what can be done, if anything can be done at all. I am a very practical person and I know what this means. It is a matter of time now. It is killing me not knowing how long but knowing that it is not that far down the road. Yes, I know that miracles can happen. I am hoping for the best but expecting the worse.
So many things go through my mind. She is only 36. She is eight years younger than I am. She will never be able to have her own family. She is dearly loved by my kids. How do I tell my kids that their auntie is dying? How do you explain something like that to a 5 and 9 year old? They are always talking about her and how they miss her being in New York. They are always telling each other stories about things they do with her. There is so much that she has not done yet. She has not lived her life yet. It is so unfair.
Of course, another concern now is my health. I am going to the OB/GYN next week. I have regular checkups but I need to be sure since this has happened. I need to be sure because I need to be here for my children. What is happening is still sinking in. We are not sure what is going on yet. We can only hope...and cry a little more.