Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Beyond Sadness

I am one of those people who cannot cry at will. I can only burp whenever and however loudly I want to at that moment. Great talent, eh? All I've wanted to do is cry for the last few days. I am usually a very private person when it comes to my feelings. I feel so many different emotions at once that they come spilling out in tears. I know I have to be strong for my family - my parents, my sister, my kids, and my dh. My eyes are continually welling up and that makes my nose runny. I feel like a little kid whenever that happens. I am trying so very hard not to cry or break down in class. The problem is that I will forget for a few minutes and life will be like it was before. I will be focusing on what I am doing, maybe even laugh; then it invades my reality. It creeps into my reality at any given moment. I am finding it hard to eat or even sleep. I will finally fall asleep from emotional exhaustion.


My little sister is 8 years younger than I am. I only have one sibling. She and I are the only females in our generation. The cousins are so much younger than I am. They start at eleven years younger and it goes down from there. I have 5 male cousins. No one else in my generation has kids except for me. My sis has been sick for over a month now. It got so severe on Sunday that they took her to the emergency room. She had gone to the doctor before for several ailments. She is living in New York right now. She calls me on Sunday night and tells me that she has stage 4 cervical cancer. It has already spread to other organs. It is so bad that she can't sit up. It did not hit me right away. I am still trying to digest it all. We are not sure yet what can be done, if anything can be done at all. I am a very practical person and I know what this means. It is a matter of time now. It is killing me not knowing how long but knowing that it is not that far down the road. Yes, I know that miracles can happen. I am hoping for the best but expecting the worse.


So many things go through my mind. She is only 36. She is eight years younger than I am. She will never be able to have her own family. She is dearly loved by my kids. How do I tell my kids that their auntie is dying? How do you explain something like that to a 5 and 9 year old? They are always talking about her and how they miss her being in New York. They are always telling each other stories about things they do with her. There is so much that she has not done yet. She has not lived her life yet. It is so unfair.


Of course, another concern now is my health. I am going to the OB/GYN next week. I have regular checkups but I need to be sure since this has happened. I need to be sure because I need to be here for my children. What is happening is still sinking in. We are not sure what is going on yet. We can only hope...and cry a little more.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so saddened by your sister's news. I have two sisters I love dearly. Keep your heart open to miricles. I have a friend who was diagnosed stage 4 shortly after her mom died of the same disease. She has been well now for 6 years. She was in her mid thirties too.

My heart is with you and your sister as you go through this.

Christine Marie said...

Belinda, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and your family. As a mom, sister, and auntie myself, I can't even imagine...so positive thoughts being sent your way.

brenda bliss said...

Belinda,

I am so sorry to hear of the news about your sister. Will you be able to go be with her, or she with you? I am sending out healing, loving light to you , your sister and the rest of your family while all of this is unraveling..
brenda bliss

Aliogator said...

I am so sorry to hear about your sister. My thoughts are with you both.

Beth said...

I am so very sorry to hear about your sister. I will keep you and her in my heart and prayers. I read your blog alot and love your wonderful instructions on how you create your awesome art projects. Hang in there and know we are all thinking about you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxox
Beth

bj said...

O Belinda! My heart aches for you and what will come. Having met your sister several times, I can only imagine how horribly she will be missed by all. She's such a fun, vibrant person, truly being cut down too soon in her path. I have no advice on what to tell your children, my own brother and his wife died quite suddenly some years ago...anniversary of their death in a few days...and I had no way to explain except to tell them to treasure the memories they had, and impart my personal beliefs about what happens at death. I know you will be strong for her, do find a way to express your grief --- probably in your art --- or it will consume you. I send you both my tears and my love, hugs, bj

Linda Manning Findley said...

Belinda so sorry to hear your news about your sister .... I am sending positive vibes to you and she and the complete family ... try to take each day and enjoy what you can with her ... my sister-in-law is dealing with stage 4 also ans she is the only sister I have ... big hugs ... Linda F

sunflowerkat said...

I am so saddened by your news. I know that losing a sister is incomprehensible because I've been through it (in our case, it was an accident). I pray that as you start this journey that encouraging options will become available to her. You and she, and your entire family will be in my thoughts.

American Genius said...

I'm sorry. There is nothing that I can say to make you feel better. May God be with your sister, you , and all of your family sending healing and comfort.

Anonymous said...

Belinda, just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. going through a severe illness is a family hurt.Thank goodness you have each other, to make it threw. hugs Rose Guerin



http://rosebudinnh.spaces.live.com/

Anonymous said...

Belinda, what devastating news. Crying is OK. Don't fight it. It's how we know we are human. I am sending you healing thoughts as you go on this journey with your family. Please know that many of us feel your sadness and fears. We are here when you need us. I will call. Sandy

rscoach said...

Belinda - so very sorry to hear the news about your sister - know that my thoughts and prayers are with you both - feel free to e-mail me privately to talk or call me - sending healing thoughts of health and love - Reva

Esmeralda said...

I am so sorry that your sister is sick. I do hope she gets better. Sadness, anxiety tends to envelop you when someone you love is seriously sick. I lost my mom when I was 15, so I can also understand your anxiety about your health and being there for your children. I have felt the same way since my mom died at a young age, 45. I have always been concerned about my health and being there for my children too.
Belinda you stay strong for your sister, and keep her thinking positive. If she is strong willed like you then she is going to fight it with all she's got. You are in my thoughts.

Bea said...

Belinda, I am very, very sorry to hear of your sister's cancer. I will keep her and your family in my thoughts, prayers and meditations. I hope that you have a chance to spend some time with your sister.
I cried with my best friend, I laughed with my best friend and held her hand at the end. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I am so glad I put aside my feelings and just spent time with her.
:)Bea

blendedcolors said...

oh i'm so sorry belinda... you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.