Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Bit Sad right now

I am sitting here at the computer at 4:35 am CST. I don't have the heart to do any art or to sit and sew anything while watching infomercials or HBO. Yesterday, someone told me how sorry they were to hear about my sister. She had just heard. I thanked her and then we chatted about other things - how are kids were doing, what was happening now that soccer started, what we did over the summer. I rattled off about how busy I was this past month with art related stuff and trying to do stuff with the kids at the same time.

I thought about all the great things that had happened to me this year in terms of my art. I got to be an Open Studios artist at the International Quilt Festival for Quilting Arts. I got to be part of a Dremel infomercial. I got to be the demo artist for Dremel for both winter and summer CHA. I am part of the Dremel focus group. I got to teach 3 workshops this summer. I had some short articles in the Cloth Paper Scissors Embellishments Newsletters. I just got an article and a challenge item published in the newest issue of Quilting Arts. I will have an article in an upcoming issue of Cloth Paper Scissors. I am on a design team and have been asked to create school kits for someone. I took a fantastic workshop with Beryl Taylor. My artwork might be in a book. It has been more than I could have hoped for in such a short period of time. Unbelievably, I am less busy artwise than before. I am doing more for me now and doing what I really want to do at my own pace. I am doing a lot less swaps and managing only a couple of Yahoo groups. That really freed up a lot of my time.

I have been very happy with the progress that I have been making with my sewing and quilties. I am at the point where I want a sewing machine with more stitches and perhaps, a felting machine is in the horizon. I have been experimenting with more hand stitches. My arthritis has been cooperating. My private swaps with art friends have been going tremendously well. I cannot believe the quality of the swap items I have received. "I'm not worthy!" (I have been watching Wayne's World with the kids this week.) My metal art has been progressing slowly but I have been very happy with the pieces of jewelry that I have been assembling lately. I have been actually wearing some of it! I don't wear a lot of the jewelry I make. I just like to make it. I have to look into some heavy duty metal working workshops.

I want to pick up the phone to call my sister and tell her all about it. The problem is that I can't do that any more. Instead, I go on to the next thing or I call one of my art friends - Sandy, Shari, or Harriet. My little sister was the only one who really got it. I'm not saying that my family is not supportive of my art, but my sister understood why I needed to do it. My family loves that I am doing so well at it and give me the "that's nice" with a smile when I show them something. My sister would actually comment on items and discuss it with me. I can't call her and tell her the latest thing that my kids are doing or what new movie is coming out that we both have to see.

Her death has been very surreal to me. It hits me hard at times. Yet, at other times, I think that she is just still in New York and she is just absent from our lives. It is so permanent. I have to go and cry now. Then I will have a cup of tea and try to not be so sad.


eclectic works said...

I'm sorry your sad Belinda. It is going to take time for your hurt and pain to go away some...but it will never go away totally. It's like you put it aside and not think about it and that is how you are able to deal with it...but when you start thinking about your loved one, all those feelings of sorrow and sadness come flooding back. This is my experience anyway. I have to admit that I do have tears of joy when I think of all the good times and loving memories I had with my loved one, and then I cry because I miss them. But I go on because I have my children and husband and other family and friends that need me.
Hope you still have a lovely day. Take care.

Joanie Hoffman said...

You're an artist in many ways. To read your words is to feel your sadness. I am sending my best thoughts to you.

Sandy said...

I totally understand how you are feeling. That's how it goes when we lose a loved one. You will be going along, thinking of all the good things and then BAM, you realize how much you need to share with that person who means so much to you.

I probably told you before, but you may find some healing in journaling. Of course, it will be an art journal, but even if you just write, you will be amazed at how this seems to heal.

You can be sad. It's fine. You will pick yourself up and keep creating. I would like to see you do a piece of artwork in honor of your sister.

I am in Lake Geneva, WI for the week. Call whenever.

QueenPam said...

My sister has been gone for 12 years now and when I want to talk to her I just do. I don't expect an answer but some how it makes me feel better. I just talk to a picture of her...who knows it might work for you. My mom used to write letters to her mom and put them under her pillow. We each work through our grief in our own ways, do what you need. QP

Claudia said...

Hello,my name is Claudia and I'm writting from Sao Paulo,Brazil.You've never heard of me and this is the first time I've seen your blog.I got to know it through Suze's group.Suze is a wonderful person whom I call friend, a very dear and for whom I have all the respect and admiration of the world.Your telling about your sister though really touched me deeply so I wanted just to teel u that u've done the right thing in the best way.You shared your sorrow (which is the right thing to do), but in such a nice,delicate and as the same time soulful and in such a straight way ! I'm really touched by your story and sorry about you and the sister you lost, the same I'm sad about all those who have lost a loved one.I did. All I can say is that it comforts me to know my late mom is still alive within me and in my boys as well.She's just not here, to be touched,to be embraced by...but she's somewhere very close all the time,like a Guardian Angel that sometimes whispers some words in my ears!
Stay well !